Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
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Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
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Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
can i bring anything?
Any of the following: Sex doll, side dish, fruits/vegetables that look like dildos, beer
is there a theme i should know about?
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
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