Can Purell be used as lube?
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
