watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
Randomize
