He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
Randomize
