it cannot be done, he is unbreakable.
What?
..he cannot be seduced..she had to have roofied him.
Details.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
Finally buying a camera. Missed out on recording a 3way last night. Hindsight. Ugh.
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Randomize
