I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
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