she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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