Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
