I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
Randomize
