My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
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