I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Randomize
