Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
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