The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Randomize