Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
Randomize
