it's not the walk of shame if you do it in cowboy boots.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
he laminated a picture of his dick.
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Randomize
