Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Randomize
