I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
Randomize
