I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
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