I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Randomize
