make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Randomize
