Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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