I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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