Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
Randomize
