and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
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