he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
