but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
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