What would you say if someone told you they liked your lips?
Which ones?
oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
Girls should come with a carfax report
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
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