your thong is hanging out like whoa
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
Randomize
