She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
Randomize
