if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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