I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
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