this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
Randomize
