If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
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