I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
Randomize
