You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
