I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
