dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
she has over 3,000 tagged photos on facebook. dont tell me she isnt annoying.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
