everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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