i'm watching the fashion show on bravo
you're cheating on project runway?
if you can't score coke, you buy crack.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
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