Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
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If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
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I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
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