Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
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