I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
On a scale of 1-10 how seriously are we considering being sugar babies?
I'm about a 7.95
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
Randomize
