Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
Randomize
