The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
RA just said I set the all time record for a student who lost houseing..30min..I was moveing out while my new roomate was moveing in. know of any off campous places to stay??
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
Randomize
