Sooo i definitely have a major burn on my chin from kenny's ...stubble from making out for hours while coked up. Pure class.
Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
