I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
i jsut waqnnna hugg thw crap outa sokme peoplee
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
