hey in girl talk does "want to come over tonight and have some beers with me?" mean i want wiener?
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
That reminds me...we need to get swords
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
Randomize
