Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
But never have I ever had sex with a dirty talker before, so it was something else, to say the least. I signed up to get laid, not play Penthouse Mad Libs.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
You told me "I need to pound this drinks if I'm going to pretend his dick is big enough" then left. Dollar night quotes 2012
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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