i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
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