I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
two words: eviction party
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Randomize
