shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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