Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Randomize
