well I can't set my house on fire every night
my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Randomize
