because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
Randomize
