I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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