i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
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