I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
Randomize
