I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Randomize
