Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
Randomize
